Untangle: From following the rules to fit in, to really seeing yourself - changes everything

… the only option you can think of is either shopping or leaving it all behind, right?

Well, let’s just say, we’ve all been there. And the only available option to us, apart from shopping is probably blaming your job, your boss or colleagues for making you feel miserable and secretly planning our exit strategy.

But actually, none of that is the real reason for you feeling stuck, utterly empty and unfulfilled.

I hear you say “yeah, but…” - I know you don’t agree with me, but just hear me out.

Let me explain where I’m coming from…

You may not be aware but the thing is - we’ve only been following some rules.

We’ve been led through our upbringing, led through our education system and then led through work, until we learn to lead others, but we’ve never learned to lead ourselves - other than with judgement and criticism.

We’ve been handed scripts and got moulded into the person we know today.

Over the years you probably reached many fabulous milestones and yet you may be asking yourself:

“I’ve done everything I was told to do… so why don’t I feel right?”

That dissatisfaction with ourselves and where we are in life is far more common than any of us dare to admit.

Especially if you’re a smart, capable woman who’s mastered the art of looking good, presenting yourself to the outside world, while quietly crumbling on the inside.

Personally, I had mastered the art of looking fabulously professional and fashionable for decades - smiling while feeling hollow inside, quietly doubting myself, feeling invisible, and having no idea how to simply be human underneath it all.

And I know you do too, even if you don’t openly speak about it, too ashamed it would make you look weak or exposed.

We’ve followed the rules, smiled in the meetings, gathered qualifications to prove ourselves, climbed the career ladder, even if it felt like pushing water up a hill, most times.

We are so hard, so rigid with ourselves, pushing and “striving” forward, wearing the corporate armour like a shield to look successful and hide behind how we make ourselves digestible, starving of our own wholeness and confuse self-abandonment with grace.

Yet, we hope to receive the approval, validation and admiration we seek, from others, never learned to give it to ourselves.

I get it because that was my story too.

I hustled to impress bosses, colleagues, family - even strangers. I shape-shifted like a corporate chameleon trying to fit in until I could barely recognise myself.

Apart from juggling all aspects of life, only work defined me and who I was and I felt a duty to perform.

For years I constantly set goals, aiming to reach more milestones, comparing myself to others who seemed to have their life sorted but me. I was seeking to get better, move forward and ahead to prove myself worthy on a road to a destination which never seemed to arrive. I couldn’t shake off the feeling that I was always “behind”.

And that was exhausting.

We call it ‘work stress’ but actually it is the burden of a mistaken identity. It is the stress of feeling invisible but wanting to be seen.

Over time fitting into an identity we adapted to and playing roles we think we needed to shrink into wears heavy on us when we realise it no longer feels congruent.

Especially with growing awareness, listening to that inner whisper trying to tell us that there is more to us than what we can currently grasp.

Is there another YOU inside of you yearning to feel present and connected?

Let’s take a look at some self-enquiries… maybe there are some answers here:

1. Are you proud of who you are? Or are you solely identifying yourself with what you do, the qualifications you have acquired, your accomplishments and the level of your bank account and yet, it never feels enough?

2. Are you hoping that one day you will ‘get there’ yet you’re doubting you will and don’t know how that may look like?

3. Are you trading in the importance of being yourself for work? Are you rigid, stern and hard on yourself, keeping it all together?

4. Your feel-good thermometer is purely measured by your productivity?

5. Accepting (sh*t) feeling as a fact instead of questioning them and seeking ways to change them.

6. Wasting too much of your good energy on sh*te situations or blaming it on lack of time to make yourself a priority.

7. You set goals for your life to secretly impress others, but you don’t keep a vision of yourself that lights you up?

8. Truly feeling alive, present and connected is something you look into when

   a) you have ticked off the list of goals,

   b) when you retire and have time to focus on you

   c) when the kids have left for Uni

   d) when you found the hobby that lights you up

   e) when you have paid off the mortgage?

9. Are you making yourself wrong for feeling emotional instead of accepting it as a beautiful human trait?

10. You feel invisible and have learned that it is safer to hide behind the corporate mask?

11. You feel insignificant and seek approval and acceptance from others, through work and via accomplishments instead of approving of yourself?

We naturally aim for growth and expansion in our lives but it isn’t always “out there”, louder or faster to be sustainable - in fact, it’s so much nicer with our loving selves firmly present in it.

We just have to learn to allow a softer, deeper, wiser approach that allows an effortless unfolding without having to leave everything behind.

You know,

it isn’t your fault or feeling “off”, because:

We were raised to follow the rules.

Taught to behave, to excel, to fit in.

Then schooled to get the grades.

Then hired to play the part.

Then promoted for leading teams.

And if we didn’t think we were part of the rule book, we were left feeling insignificant, behind, invisible, somehow incomplete and not belonging.

We’ve been shaped by systems that value output over insight, performance over presence.

And at some point, the system breaks. Or you do.

But it doesn’t have to be that way. Here’s the beautiful, brave turning point:

When you start meeting yourself, build a relationship with yourself that is based on acceptance, trust and love

… you start leading yourself with compassion.

… you create the freedom and feel autonomous in your own skin.

… you stop waiting for permission to show up in your life.

… you unclench and stop being hard on yourself.

… you come into harmony with who you are.

… you start feeling worthy and deserving and re-assured with who you are.

… you notice that you have always been whole and complete.

… you stop dismissing your inner voice just because it doesn’t sound like everyone else’s.

… and you start writing your own success script, living a lighter life that feels good and expansive.

The Self-Leadership I speak about, especially its EFFECTS are confidence, grounded in who you are, an openness towards relationships and zest to get up each morning regardless whether it is for your job or your business.

Being at peace with yourself, simplify your life not because of exhaustion but because it and you feel better in it:

• You make space for yourself and therefore you are welcoming others in.

• This isn’t about abandoning ambition. It’s about redefining it and expanding

• It’s not about becoming passive. It’s about becoming aligned.

• It’s not about throwing everything away or quitting your job, but learning to show up in it as you.

• It's not about throwing your dreams and ambitions aboard

• It’s about keeping what’s yours - and gently letting go of the rest.

• This is what it means to untangle.

• And you don’t have to do it perfectly.

• You can relax, knowing life isn’t a race.

So, when you feel empty, numb and lost, you just have to start with one small, honest question:

Who are you really? And what is stopping you from being her now?

Susanne Kubik - The Self-Leadership Effect

Hi, I'm Susanne. For most of my career I've worked in high pressured environments in Consultancy and Investment Banking where I perfectly adapted to the corporate soldier mentality, simply because I felt I needed to fit in, feeling otherwise invisible, insignificant and compared myself notoriously. For years I was enduring my corporate existence or forever planned my exit strategy, carrying the burden of needing to be seen as "professional" was more important than being seen as human. However, I learned that there is another way .... Finding my true self instead of chasing outward success has been the game changer that affected all areas in my life positively.

Nowadays I am sharing the simple strategies and mind hacks to silence the inner critic with others, so they can finally replace the self-doubt for inner knowing and find their brilliance beyond roles and job titles and live a live on purpose and with intention.To find out more check out:

https://susannekubik.com/home

Join the mailing list for free resources, updates, courses and events:

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Start her: previous blog posts you might like to read:

https://susannekubik.com/blog/b/the-inner-conflict-of-where-you-are-right-now-is-not-where-you-want-to-be

https://susannekubik.com/blog/b/Untangle-Is-this-it