Where did you give yourself away?
I often say “We have been led through our upbringing,
led through our education system,
and led through work -
until we learn to lead others.
But we have never learned to lead ourselves.
And from an early age, we’re taught to attach our identity to what we do - our achievements, our accomplishments, our job titles. The message is clear: do more, achieve more to become more.
You’ve probably heard the story of the frog in cold water? You drop a frog into boiling water, and it jumps straight out. But place it in cool water and slowly turn up the heat, it stays put until it’s too late…
That’s what so often happens in the corporate world. At first, the “heat” feels like a sense of belonging, a need to fit in, manageable - we are proud working a little longer, taking on one more project, proving ourselves for that promotion, we adapt, we fit in … we are happy to please.
Before we know it, our identity is wrapped up in a job title, our worth tied to being needed, and our value measured by performance, progress and output. The busier we are, the more important we feel, right?
And with that, who you are becomes secondary.
And there is another reason, we tend to give up on ourselves…
Recently, I found myself saying the same sentence and the more I repeat it, the more I find it hits the nail on the head:
“We look at ourselves, but we don’t see ourselves”
What do I mean by that?
We tend to look at ourselves either in a distorted way, only seeing what’s wrong with us or who do we need to be and how much we feel behind in life in comparison to …
... people we may not even know.
Or we only see ourselves in relation to our job title, achievements and identify ourselves with our qualifications and measure our success by the level of our bank accounts and investment portfolios - to impress others. No matter how much you have achieved, you never find you impress yourself, right?
The success - trap
I recently stumbled over a ‘Gallup’ report that just confirmed my train of thought:
Only 10 % of people in North America (errrm, probably universal fact, I think) define success in a status-oriented way, based on levels of material wealth and business achievement, advanced degrees or fame.
However, 90 % believe that others judge them based on those criteria. Thus, they say they don't need those things to feel successful, but still find themselves striving as they compare and compete.
While there is nothing wrong with excelling in business and in life, living a prosperous and abundant and wealthy life, (I’m all for it by the way, it gives us choices and possibilities to do cool things in life) but as hard as we try, we find it difficult to disassociate from the pull of wanting to look good in the eyes of others.
And therefore we dismiss ourselves and the importance of simply being ourselves, in favor for bending ourselves to fit in and be seen as, only to receive outside validation and admiration.
And that’s why and where somewhere along your career, the corporate rulebook stripped you of you.
It is the attachment to the job and organisation, the need for validation, status, and significance that keeps you feeling drained, disconnected, and busy being everything but yourself.
The question is - when do you decide to simply choose you?
At the core, everything drills down to identity - the story you hold about who you are. Most of us quietly run on an inner script of “I don’t know enough… I don’t have enough… I’m not enough.” Out of that feeling we gladly attach our sense of self to job titles and achievements.
Everything that comes after “I am…” or “I have…” shapes our identity and therefore drives our behaviour.
When you proudly say “I am a [job title]” or label yourself as a corporate professional, what happens next? You adapt. You fit in. You follow the rulebook. You accept the language, the pace, the “always on” culture.
Booking a “me-meeting” in your calendar feels rebellious. Leaving on time or not replying to every cc’d email feels risky and bold. Asking for flexible working options may make you feel like an outsider.
And the truth is, it’s not the job, the boss or the inbox that’s burning you out - it’s the way you’ve attached your identity to the organisation and with that given up on yourself and making decisions for yourself.
When the job becomes who you are that’s what drains you.
When you see it as a vehicle for what matters to you instead of your purpose, the power shifts back into your hands. Without you having to resign or waiting to be made redundant.
Outside-in vs Inside-out kind of way
This is what I mean when I say we have been led… (outside in approach) but never learned to lead ourselves…(inside out approach):
The “outside-in” approach looks logical: set a goal → act → achieve → feel good → believe in yourself.
But it’s a treadmill. Each goal gives a brief high, then you set another, hoping this time you’ll feel enough but the feeling of accomplished never arrives.
The shift comes “inside-out.” Start with who you are, believing in who you are and seeing what you do as a bonus. Behaviour always follows identity - whatever you attach to “I am” drives your choices.
Old identity: “I’m not / I am only..., so I must prove myself” → overwork, overcommit, drift.
New identity: “I’m worthy & deserving, capable and grounded; I lead myself first” → create space, choose wisely, show up with grounded confidence, inner knowing and purpose.
See the difference? The first approach burns you out. You run on empty, forever chasing your tail and “getting there”.
So, where have you given yourself away, “feeling like a frog in boiling water”? Where have you let someone else write your “I am” statements for you, dictating your worth and significance?
Wouldn’t you rather be in control, take ownership again - leading yourself - feeling good about yourself, energetic, alive and vibrant, than be controlled by the scripted corporate playbook leaving you feeling drained, trapped, empty and lost?
PS: I know, I hear you say "Yeah, but..." that's exactly what I said too, But I promise you there is so much more to you than you currently allow yourself to see.
✨Journal Prompts
Where in my life do I feel like I am chasing validation instead of owning my worth?
What “I am” statements have I unknowingly absorbed from my workplace, upbringing, or society?
If I could rewrite my “I am” from the inside-out, what three truths would I want to live by?
How does my body feel when I am existing and drifting? How does it feel when I imagine living from my chosen identity?
What would change in my work, relationships, and everyday life if I led from who I am rather than what I do or who I think I need to be in the eyes of others?
Want a coach and mentor who has been exactly where you are - stuck in the script, giving herself away, and finally choosing differently? I can show you how rediscover who you truly are, and lead yourself with intention, book a call here.
Susanne Kubik - The Self-Leadership Effect
Hi, I'm Susanne. For most of my career I've worked in high pressured environments in Consultancy and Investment Banking where I perfectly adapted to the corporate soldier mentality, simply because I felt I needed to fit in, feeling otherwise invisible, insignificant and compared myself notoriously. For years I was enduring my corporate existence or forever planned my exit strategy, carrying the burden of needing to be seen as "professional", hiding behind the mask seemed more important than being seen as human. However, I learned that there is another way .... Finding my true self instead of chasing outward success has been the game changer that affected all areas in my life positively.
Nowadays I am mentoring others keen to find their own compass to replace feeling lost and stuck, lonely and behind in life, for inner knowing and find their brilliance beyond duty, roles and job titles to live a life with intention and do cool things,
For more information and updates follow me here:
https://susannekubik.com/newsletter108706
Start here: previous blog posts you might like to read
From following the rules to leading yourself
Have you outgrown your story, ready for a new one?
https://susannekubik.com/blog/b/Untangle-Is-this-it
Book a exploration call here:
